The Big Change

I've just moved back to my hometown. I couldn't deal with the loneliness of living by myself on the other side of the country anymore. How can you deal with emotions when you're constantly alone. Or rather how can you NOT deal with emotions. Sitting alone in my apartment almost every night, being eaten away by despair. Feeling like no one over there wanted to know me or cared about whether or not I even existed. Always trying but getting no where....

So I quit my job, I broke my lease and  I took the plunge and moved back. And I feel great about it. Or rather, I felt great about it. But now, back home with friends and family, and no job, I'm lost. I have no structure, no control. Do I want to jump into a job I don't like because I need the money, just to risk bringing back a hatred of my life? I've enrolled in a personal training course, because to be honest when I'm working out at the gym I feel the best ever (probably because it's impossible to think of anything else when I'm at the gym), but is that what I want to do with my life? Help fat people lose weight?? Teach people that hey, eating macdonalds every day might not be the best thing for you.

I feel like im drifting down a river and I have no idea if a waterfall is about to appear or whether the river will just fizzle out into a stream and then into a stagnant pond. I have so many aspirations and ambitions and goals. I want to DO THINGS with my life. BIG THINGS. I want to help people. Or is all this dreaming just an avoidance tactic so I don't have to do anything real with my life, so that I don't have time or thought on creating real stability and relationships?? I don't know.... All I know is, I'm lost, and I sure as hell have no idea if I will be able to find my way.

but wait, theres more

..... the ex msgs me (lets call this one M, to make it easy) and tells me he will talk to me when he gets back from working away.

What part of i don't want you in my life and I've deleted your number do you not understand M???!!!!!

finally....

Told the ex to get out of my life, as suggested by my therapist, and that i didnt need his hurtful selfish bullshit and that i had more important things to worry about rather than his petty issues with me and the fact that he can't move on, or doesnt want to let me move on. Was really hard, i didnt let him get a word in at all in case he tried to convince me i was wrong again. Thought i was going to cry when i did it and felt so guilty afterwards. Telling people i don't want them in my life is not something i can manage to do very well. Kinda goes against my need to have everyone like me. Glad its over now. Deleted his number so I can't go back on my word and all his friends numbers too so i don't try ask them for it.

Who would've thought it would be so hard to get rid of something so damaging to my self esteem. Sigh.

OH

This is my business venture by the way.... alot of marketing left to do, and alot of design and product work still!

http://www.zazzle.com.au/fredvsworld
 

From one thing to the next

Its 4.40am and I havent gone to sleep yet. I'm barely even tired. Ever since turning off facebook a week ago I've had all this extra energy and motivation (probably because i have nothing to distract me). I've been up all night working on my new business venture, and I'm really excited about it actually. I had to force myself to give it a rest so I can sleep before my psych in the morning and then work after that. Too many ideas running around in my head.

And what happens once i switch it all off and close my eyes.....  My brother comes into my head instead. Memories of his voice, of arguments, of his general hostility. Visions of him floating behind my eyelids, so real i feel like I'm back in Perth and its February again, and I'm sitting with him in the lounge room. I feel as if i could just reach out and touch him.... like he would actually be there. But of course he isn't there and he never will be again. Normally i would just cry then tire myself out but i don't even feel tired, or sad. Just this incessant dread. It's been lying under my skin all week. Lurking there in the back of my mind. Not that there's anything dreadful on the horizon. It's all because of the facebook, because i've deliberately cut myself off from my safety blanket where i know there will always be someone there to distract me. I don't want to be dependent on something like that anymore. I think when it;s time to turn facebook back on, I'll feel a different kind of dread. The dread that it'll be straight back to how it was, to needing someone to talk to all the time, to not being able to be alone with my feelings.

So anyway, now I can't just lie here thinking about him.... but i can't stay awake all night. It's starting to make me feel scared this whole no sleeping.... I always sleep. I went to bed at 4am last night, 2am the two nights before that. I think all this alone time before bed is getting to me. I wish someone was here i could just cuddle next to and soothe myself. At least something to distract me and help me sleep. I'm thinking maybe its back onto the business venture until i just pass out from tiredness.... and ALOT of coffee tomorrow...which means an anxiety attack or two though. I just can't win.

God, at least now i have something to talk to my therapist about in the morning.

Even kittens know how to reach out for help. This one looks so sad i just want to love the hell out of it.

for gods sake just leave me alone!

So i just got a txt msg from an ex asking me why i was at his friends house last night. Pretty sure i was at home all day yesterday, and last night was spent watching disney movies.

I felt an immediate rush of anxiety and now feel like I'm going to throw up even though I did nothing wrong. I even feel like I'm going to cry, as well as maybe like i want to punch something. I no longer want to study today, and pretty much all I want to do is lie in bed. He says he doesn't want me to fuck things up with his girl... why would i care about his girl!!??? Why would me being at his friends even have anything to do with his girl???!! WHY THE FUCK CAN"T PEOPLE JUST BE FRIENDLY AND TRUSTING AND WHY CAN'T EXS JUST FUCK OFF!!

To be honest what an ex I never see says shouldn't effect me at all. I don't understand why 2 or 3 txt msgs can bring out such strong emotions. It makes me soooo angry that i let these feelings in sometimes :(