I should probably tell you about me

I guess its a good idea to describe myself, my basic life, to get a good idea of who I am and why I'm writing this.

Im 25 years old. I'm a manager at the retail outlet where i work. I make good money. I'm attractive. I'm smart. I'm loving. I love animals. I donate to charity. I work out and love to be healthy and fit. I live in a nice house, with great housemates. I have some very close friends, who I love more than anything.

I have no family in the town where I live and feel lost when i am alone, like just being with me isn't a good enough option. I have a mother who is (lately) always there for me but who i can barely speak to without a rush of anger. A sister who I sometimes feel is so close to the edge of god knows what that I just don't know how to be there for her anymore. A father who for some reason I can never find anything to hate him for even though he can be so distant that it really should break my heart. I had a brother who spent 10 years fighting his own issues of anger and pain using an array of drugs which ultimately resulted in his death just 4 months ago at the age of 22. Ive lived in maybe 15 houses since I moved out of home at 17, my current place being the longest I've managed to stay (and its still going well thankgod!).

I've had 1 long term relationship which seems so distant like something i watched on TV now and was full of anger and fighting and hatred, but when i moved out i felt i had nothing. I've been in love once, not with him, but with a man who strung me along and then crushed out all the loving spirit I had left in me for a long long LONG time. I've had countless short relationships, casual relationships and one night stands, almost all resulting in me being rejected and sending me to the depths of despair. Leaving me feeling hollow, used, unlovable. I've dated great, good looking, sensitive guys who really do like me, and that i have no doubt that they will not reject me, and instead I get anxiety about being trapped with them. Worried I'm missing out on something better. Feeling like I'm suffocating. I rarely believe someone who I want to be with will actually want to be with me, and the anxiety can get so bad sometimes i don't eat for days at a time.

I am constantly worried people will decide they just simply don't like me anymore, don't want me in their life anymore, can't deal with me anymore. And it HAS happened, on more than one occasion. I always feel like people are looking at me, judging me. I am obsessed with perfection, with appearance, with doing things right. I get nervous about calling people about the smallest things in case I sound stupid or dull on the phone. Sometimes I feel so much anxiety mixed with pain in my chest that I feel like I might start screaming at any second, like all I want to do is run away from it, from myself, but I can't. I am instantly defensive when someone disagrees with me, straight away believing they think my opinions mean nothing, that I am stupid. I cry all the time, over nothing. If I haven't cried in a week, then wow it's a good week

God there's so much more, but I'm feeling quite exhausted after writing all that down, so I'll just leave it at that for now.

One more thing, oddly enough, no matter how bad things get, how useless I feel, I almost always want to try harder, be loved more. The worse I get rejected the more I want to be loved. But I've never EVER had thoughts of committing suicide. To me that's the worse kind of alone you can be. So i suppose, for that, I can be thankful.

Every day is a new beginning

After years of anxiety, mistrust, fear of abandonment, being unable to be alone with nothing to occupy my mind.....
after constantly going through huge outbursts of anger for the smallest reasons, huge amounts of casual sex, massive spending sprees which make me feel terrible...
after always pushing away my family and then crying when they aren't there for me....
after a ridiculous amount of short intense relationships which usually end because i get scared of being hurt and rejected as soon as they leave my sight, leading to paranoid msgs and in general it all blowing up in my face.....
after huge amounts of time spent feeling empty and alone even when im with my closest friends or family and should be having a great time....

i FINALLY decided enough was enough and i didnt want to live this way anymore and went to see a psychologist.... and after 5 weeks, and another ruined mini relationship, he gave me an unofficial diagnosis of BPD.

It feels good to find out my problems are all connected, and have a name, and that someone wants to help me and can teach me real techniques to deal with it. To hear someone say im not just doing this because im an idiot, or selfish, or spoilt and that i cant just stop it that easily like i always thought i could. I always felt like a failure, like i had no self control over my life and just could never get things right. Its good to know other people are going through what im going through.

i just wish i hadnt wasted so long trying to deal with it myself, but at least i can start to deal with it now

I just want to tell you its ok.

My brother died recently.... and yes THAT hurts... an additional pain to add some strength to all the shit i already feel inside. more on that one later i suppose, when i feel up to explaining that long drawn out horror story.

But since being told by my therapist about BPD, something i'd never heard of before, i suddenly see that i'm not infact a selfish, bitchy, narky, angry person by choice. Those are words he used to call me all the time. We fought like hungry dogs, biting and snapping and snarling. But we were still close and loved each other no matter what shit we put each other through. Now all i can think about is how much i want to tell him about the disorder, explain to him i'm sorry for never getting help earlier. Tell him i do love and appreciate him.

Fuck.... it hurts.

Where do i begin....

An even better question would be where did it begin, why did it begin, why can't i stop it? That pain inside, that comes and goes disrupting my life as it wishes. Springing up out of nowhere on a seemingly bright and sunny day. The flashes of anger and defensiveness at nothing in particular spurting forth like lava before i can stop them, destroying anything in their wake. The loneliness, the emptiness, the feeling of not being good enough, the feeling of being just not enough full stop. Incessantly scared of rejection, of abandonment. The constant need to be loved, wanted, appreciated. The impulsive money spending, the obsession with appearance, the casual sex which, instead of leaving me satisfied like i always believe it will, instead leaves me feeling emptier than ever.

Of course, i know why its here, the hurt, forever rearing its ugly head. Developing slowly from hundreds of small incidents, and several large ones, each like a tetris block building slowly up and up and up. Does the game ever end? Do i ever win? Do i get a high score? A prize? A happily ever after????

Last week I would have doubted that, but now, funnily enough, I sort of think i will. This blog will be my release. A mixture of past and present, of how i got here, of how it effects me now. A journal of my day if i feel like it, a reflection of thoughts and dreams and wishes. Something to finally get it all out. A release when I feel like I can't deal. A memoir of memories and events I want to dissect, to tear apart, some of which i wish i would never have to glue back together.

Yes, maybe theres hope.... Sounds good doesn't it. Hope. I guess we will just have to wait and see.