I've just moved back to my hometown. I couldn't deal with the loneliness of living by myself on the other side of the country anymore. How can you deal with emotions when you're constantly alone. Or rather how can you NOT deal with emotions. Sitting alone in my apartment almost every night, being eaten away by despair. Feeling like no one over there wanted to know me or cared about whether or not I even existed. Always trying but getting no where....
So I quit my job, I broke my lease and I took the plunge and moved back. And I feel great about it. Or rather, I felt great about it. But now, back home with friends and family, and no job, I'm lost. I have no structure, no control. Do I want to jump into a job I don't like because I need the money, just to risk bringing back a hatred of my life? I've enrolled in a personal training course, because to be honest when I'm working out at the gym I feel the best ever (probably because it's impossible to think of anything else when I'm at the gym), but is that what I want to do with my life? Help fat people lose weight?? Teach people that hey, eating macdonalds every day might not be the best thing for you.
I feel like im drifting down a river and I have no idea if a waterfall is about to appear or whether the river will just fizzle out into a stream and then into a stagnant pond. I have so many aspirations and ambitions and goals. I want to DO THINGS with my life. BIG THINGS. I want to help people. Or is all this dreaming just an avoidance tactic so I don't have to do anything real with my life, so that I don't have time or thought on creating real stability and relationships?? I don't know.... All I know is, I'm lost, and I sure as hell have no idea if I will be able to find my way.
