This is my business venture by the way.... alot of marketing left to do, and alot of design and product work still!
http://www.zazzle.com.au/fredvsworld
Thursday 30 June 2011
From one thing to the next
Its 4.40am and I havent gone to sleep yet. I'm barely even tired. Ever since turning off facebook a week ago I've had all this extra energy and motivation (probably because i have nothing to distract me). I've been up all night working on my new business venture, and I'm really excited about it actually. I had to force myself to give it a rest so I can sleep before my psych in the morning and then work after that. Too many ideas running around in my head.
And what happens once i switch it all off and close my eyes..... My brother comes into my head instead. Memories of his voice, of arguments, of his general hostility. Visions of him floating behind my eyelids, so real i feel like I'm back in Perth and its February again, and I'm sitting with him in the lounge room. I feel as if i could just reach out and touch him.... like he would actually be there. But of course he isn't there and he never will be again. Normally i would just cry then tire myself out but i don't even feel tired, or sad. Just this incessant dread. It's been lying under my skin all week. Lurking there in the back of my mind. Not that there's anything dreadful on the horizon. It's all because of the facebook, because i've deliberately cut myself off from my safety blanket where i know there will always be someone there to distract me. I don't want to be dependent on something like that anymore. I think when it;s time to turn facebook back on, I'll feel a different kind of dread. The dread that it'll be straight back to how it was, to needing someone to talk to all the time, to not being able to be alone with my feelings.
So anyway, now I can't just lie here thinking about him.... but i can't stay awake all night. It's starting to make me feel scared this whole no sleeping.... I always sleep. I went to bed at 4am last night, 2am the two nights before that. I think all this alone time before bed is getting to me. I wish someone was here i could just cuddle next to and soothe myself. At least something to distract me and help me sleep. I'm thinking maybe its back onto the business venture until i just pass out from tiredness.... and ALOT of coffee tomorrow...which means an anxiety attack or two though. I just can't win.
God, at least now i have something to talk to my therapist about in the morning.
And what happens once i switch it all off and close my eyes..... My brother comes into my head instead. Memories of his voice, of arguments, of his general hostility. Visions of him floating behind my eyelids, so real i feel like I'm back in Perth and its February again, and I'm sitting with him in the lounge room. I feel as if i could just reach out and touch him.... like he would actually be there. But of course he isn't there and he never will be again. Normally i would just cry then tire myself out but i don't even feel tired, or sad. Just this incessant dread. It's been lying under my skin all week. Lurking there in the back of my mind. Not that there's anything dreadful on the horizon. It's all because of the facebook, because i've deliberately cut myself off from my safety blanket where i know there will always be someone there to distract me. I don't want to be dependent on something like that anymore. I think when it;s time to turn facebook back on, I'll feel a different kind of dread. The dread that it'll be straight back to how it was, to needing someone to talk to all the time, to not being able to be alone with my feelings.
So anyway, now I can't just lie here thinking about him.... but i can't stay awake all night. It's starting to make me feel scared this whole no sleeping.... I always sleep. I went to bed at 4am last night, 2am the two nights before that. I think all this alone time before bed is getting to me. I wish someone was here i could just cuddle next to and soothe myself. At least something to distract me and help me sleep. I'm thinking maybe its back onto the business venture until i just pass out from tiredness.... and ALOT of coffee tomorrow...which means an anxiety attack or two though. I just can't win.
God, at least now i have something to talk to my therapist about in the morning.
Wednesday 29 June 2011
for gods sake just leave me alone!
So i just got a txt msg from an ex asking me why i was at his friends house last night. Pretty sure i was at home all day yesterday, and last night was spent watching disney movies.
I felt an immediate rush of anxiety and now feel like I'm going to throw up even though I did nothing wrong. I even feel like I'm going to cry, as well as maybe like i want to punch something. I no longer want to study today, and pretty much all I want to do is lie in bed. He says he doesn't want me to fuck things up with his girl... why would i care about his girl!!??? Why would me being at his friends even have anything to do with his girl???!! WHY THE FUCK CAN"T PEOPLE JUST BE FRIENDLY AND TRUSTING AND WHY CAN'T EXS JUST FUCK OFF!!
To be honest what an ex I never see says shouldn't effect me at all. I don't understand why 2 or 3 txt msgs can bring out such strong emotions. It makes me soooo angry that i let these feelings in sometimes :(
I felt an immediate rush of anxiety and now feel like I'm going to throw up even though I did nothing wrong. I even feel like I'm going to cry, as well as maybe like i want to punch something. I no longer want to study today, and pretty much all I want to do is lie in bed. He says he doesn't want me to fuck things up with his girl... why would i care about his girl!!??? Why would me being at his friends even have anything to do with his girl???!! WHY THE FUCK CAN"T PEOPLE JUST BE FRIENDLY AND TRUSTING AND WHY CAN'T EXS JUST FUCK OFF!!
To be honest what an ex I never see says shouldn't effect me at all. I don't understand why 2 or 3 txt msgs can bring out such strong emotions. It makes me soooo angry that i let these feelings in sometimes :(
Tuesday 28 June 2011
I should probably tell you about me
I guess its a good idea to describe myself, my basic life, to get a good idea of who I am and why I'm writing this.
Im 25 years old. I'm a manager at the retail outlet where i work. I make good money. I'm attractive. I'm smart. I'm loving. I love animals. I donate to charity. I work out and love to be healthy and fit. I live in a nice house, with great housemates. I have some very close friends, who I love more than anything.
I have no family in the town where I live and feel lost when i am alone, like just being with me isn't a good enough option. I have a mother who is (lately) always there for me but who i can barely speak to without a rush of anger. A sister who I sometimes feel is so close to the edge of god knows what that I just don't know how to be there for her anymore. A father who for some reason I can never find anything to hate him for even though he can be so distant that it really should break my heart. I had a brother who spent 10 years fighting his own issues of anger and pain using an array of drugs which ultimately resulted in his death just 4 months ago at the age of 22. Ive lived in maybe 15 houses since I moved out of home at 17, my current place being the longest I've managed to stay (and its still going well thankgod!).
I've had 1 long term relationship which seems so distant like something i watched on TV now and was full of anger and fighting and hatred, but when i moved out i felt i had nothing. I've been in love once, not with him, but with a man who strung me along and then crushed out all the loving spirit I had left in me for a long long LONG time. I've had countless short relationships, casual relationships and one night stands, almost all resulting in me being rejected and sending me to the depths of despair. Leaving me feeling hollow, used, unlovable. I've dated great, good looking, sensitive guys who really do like me, and that i have no doubt that they will not reject me, and instead I get anxiety about being trapped with them. Worried I'm missing out on something better. Feeling like I'm suffocating. I rarely believe someone who I want to be with will actually want to be with me, and the anxiety can get so bad sometimes i don't eat for days at a time.
I am constantly worried people will decide they just simply don't like me anymore, don't want me in their life anymore, can't deal with me anymore. And it HAS happened, on more than one occasion. I always feel like people are looking at me, judging me. I am obsessed with perfection, with appearance, with doing things right. I get nervous about calling people about the smallest things in case I sound stupid or dull on the phone. Sometimes I feel so much anxiety mixed with pain in my chest that I feel like I might start screaming at any second, like all I want to do is run away from it, from myself, but I can't. I am instantly defensive when someone disagrees with me, straight away believing they think my opinions mean nothing, that I am stupid. I cry all the time, over nothing. If I haven't cried in a week, then wow it's a good week
God there's so much more, but I'm feeling quite exhausted after writing all that down, so I'll just leave it at that for now.
One more thing, oddly enough, no matter how bad things get, how useless I feel, I almost always want to try harder, be loved more. The worse I get rejected the more I want to be loved. But I've never EVER had thoughts of committing suicide. To me that's the worse kind of alone you can be. So i suppose, for that, I can be thankful.
Im 25 years old. I'm a manager at the retail outlet where i work. I make good money. I'm attractive. I'm smart. I'm loving. I love animals. I donate to charity. I work out and love to be healthy and fit. I live in a nice house, with great housemates. I have some very close friends, who I love more than anything.
I have no family in the town where I live and feel lost when i am alone, like just being with me isn't a good enough option. I have a mother who is (lately) always there for me but who i can barely speak to without a rush of anger. A sister who I sometimes feel is so close to the edge of god knows what that I just don't know how to be there for her anymore. A father who for some reason I can never find anything to hate him for even though he can be so distant that it really should break my heart. I had a brother who spent 10 years fighting his own issues of anger and pain using an array of drugs which ultimately resulted in his death just 4 months ago at the age of 22. Ive lived in maybe 15 houses since I moved out of home at 17, my current place being the longest I've managed to stay (and its still going well thankgod!).
I've had 1 long term relationship which seems so distant like something i watched on TV now and was full of anger and fighting and hatred, but when i moved out i felt i had nothing. I've been in love once, not with him, but with a man who strung me along and then crushed out all the loving spirit I had left in me for a long long LONG time. I've had countless short relationships, casual relationships and one night stands, almost all resulting in me being rejected and sending me to the depths of despair. Leaving me feeling hollow, used, unlovable. I've dated great, good looking, sensitive guys who really do like me, and that i have no doubt that they will not reject me, and instead I get anxiety about being trapped with them. Worried I'm missing out on something better. Feeling like I'm suffocating. I rarely believe someone who I want to be with will actually want to be with me, and the anxiety can get so bad sometimes i don't eat for days at a time.
I am constantly worried people will decide they just simply don't like me anymore, don't want me in their life anymore, can't deal with me anymore. And it HAS happened, on more than one occasion. I always feel like people are looking at me, judging me. I am obsessed with perfection, with appearance, with doing things right. I get nervous about calling people about the smallest things in case I sound stupid or dull on the phone. Sometimes I feel so much anxiety mixed with pain in my chest that I feel like I might start screaming at any second, like all I want to do is run away from it, from myself, but I can't. I am instantly defensive when someone disagrees with me, straight away believing they think my opinions mean nothing, that I am stupid. I cry all the time, over nothing. If I haven't cried in a week, then wow it's a good week
God there's so much more, but I'm feeling quite exhausted after writing all that down, so I'll just leave it at that for now.
One more thing, oddly enough, no matter how bad things get, how useless I feel, I almost always want to try harder, be loved more. The worse I get rejected the more I want to be loved. But I've never EVER had thoughts of committing suicide. To me that's the worse kind of alone you can be. So i suppose, for that, I can be thankful.
Every day is a new beginning
after constantly going through huge outbursts of anger for the smallest reasons, huge amounts of casual sex, massive spending sprees which make me feel terrible...
after always pushing away my family and then crying when they aren't there for me....
after a ridiculous amount of short intense relationships which usually end because i get scared of being hurt and rejected as soon as they leave my sight, leading to paranoid msgs and in general it all blowing up in my face.....
after huge amounts of time spent feeling empty and alone even when im with my closest friends or family and should be having a great time....
i FINALLY decided enough was enough and i didnt want to live this way anymore and went to see a psychologist.... and after 5 weeks, and another ruined mini relationship, he gave me an unofficial diagnosis of BPD.
It feels good to find out my problems are all connected, and have a name, and that someone wants to help me and can teach me real techniques to deal with it. To hear someone say im not just doing this because im an idiot, or selfish, or spoilt and that i cant just stop it that easily like i always thought i could. I always felt like a failure, like i had no self control over my life and just could never get things right. Its good to know other people are going through what im going through.
i just wish i hadnt wasted so long trying to deal with it myself, but at least i can start to deal with it now
Monday 27 June 2011
I just want to tell you its ok.
My brother died recently.... and yes THAT hurts... an additional pain to add some strength to all the shit i already feel inside. more on that one later i suppose, when i feel up to explaining that long drawn out horror story.
But since being told by my therapist about BPD, something i'd never heard of before, i suddenly see that i'm not infact a selfish, bitchy, narky, angry person by choice. Those are words he used to call me all the time. We fought like hungry dogs, biting and snapping and snarling. But we were still close and loved each other no matter what shit we put each other through. Now all i can think about is how much i want to tell him about the disorder, explain to him i'm sorry for never getting help earlier. Tell him i do love and appreciate him.
Fuck.... it hurts.
But since being told by my therapist about BPD, something i'd never heard of before, i suddenly see that i'm not infact a selfish, bitchy, narky, angry person by choice. Those are words he used to call me all the time. We fought like hungry dogs, biting and snapping and snarling. But we were still close and loved each other no matter what shit we put each other through. Now all i can think about is how much i want to tell him about the disorder, explain to him i'm sorry for never getting help earlier. Tell him i do love and appreciate him.
Fuck.... it hurts.
Sunday 26 June 2011
Where do i begin....
An even better question would be where did it begin, why did it begin, why can't i stop it? That pain inside, that comes and goes disrupting my life as it wishes. Springing up out of nowhere on a seemingly bright and sunny day. The flashes of anger and defensiveness at nothing in particular spurting forth like lava before i can stop them, destroying anything in their wake. The loneliness, the emptiness, the feeling of not being good enough, the feeling of being just not enough full stop. Incessantly scared of rejection, of abandonment. The constant need to be loved, wanted, appreciated. The impulsive money spending, the obsession with appearance, the casual sex which, instead of leaving me satisfied like i always believe it will, instead leaves me feeling emptier than ever.
Of course, i know why its here, the hurt, forever rearing its ugly head. Developing slowly from hundreds of small incidents, and several large ones, each like a tetris block building slowly up and up and up. Does the game ever end? Do i ever win? Do i get a high score? A prize? A happily ever after????
Last week I would have doubted that, but now, funnily enough, I sort of think i will. This blog will be my release. A mixture of past and present, of how i got here, of how it effects me now. A journal of my day if i feel like it, a reflection of thoughts and dreams and wishes. Something to finally get it all out. A release when I feel like I can't deal. A memoir of memories and events I want to dissect, to tear apart, some of which i wish i would never have to glue back together.
Yes, maybe theres hope.... Sounds good doesn't it. Hope. I guess we will just have to wait and see.
Of course, i know why its here, the hurt, forever rearing its ugly head. Developing slowly from hundreds of small incidents, and several large ones, each like a tetris block building slowly up and up and up. Does the game ever end? Do i ever win? Do i get a high score? A prize? A happily ever after????
Last week I would have doubted that, but now, funnily enough, I sort of think i will. This blog will be my release. A mixture of past and present, of how i got here, of how it effects me now. A journal of my day if i feel like it, a reflection of thoughts and dreams and wishes. Something to finally get it all out. A release when I feel like I can't deal. A memoir of memories and events I want to dissect, to tear apart, some of which i wish i would never have to glue back together.
Yes, maybe theres hope.... Sounds good doesn't it. Hope. I guess we will just have to wait and see.
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