Yes, that hurts.: July 2011

Sunday 3 July 2011

but wait, theres more

..... the ex msgs me (lets call this one M, to make it easy) and tells me he will talk to me when he gets back from working away.

What part of i don't want you in my life and I've deleted your number do you not understand M???!!!!!

finally....

Told the ex to get out of my life, as suggested by my therapist, and that i didnt need his hurtful selfish bullshit and that i had more important things to worry about rather than his petty issues with me and the fact that he can't move on, or doesnt want to let me move on. Was really hard, i didnt let him get a word in at all in case he tried to convince me i was wrong again. Thought i was going to cry when i did it and felt so guilty afterwards. Telling people i don't want them in my life is not something i can manage to do very well. Kinda goes against my need to have everyone like me. Glad its over now. Deleted his number so I can't go back on my word and all his friends numbers too so i don't try ask them for it.

Who would've thought it would be so hard to get rid of something so damaging to my self esteem. Sigh.

What do you do when you have such strong emotions you constantly feel like you might explode? When you're therapist tells you how unusual it is to not be able to control them in any way, and how important it is to not shut them down? Write about it I guess. Get them out before you implode/explode/whatever. Describe them in any way you can. Re-read them. Sort through them. Be bias. Be objective. Be how ever the hell you want to be. But don't tell anyone about them right? Because to be honest, most normal people just won't understand.

So here it is, an escape for my numbness, my love (which is pain really), my happiness (however rare that is), my jealousy, my despair, my sadness, my joy (fleeting but amazing), my rage, my hurt, the list goes on and on and on and on....