From one thing to the next

Its 4.40am and I havent gone to sleep yet. I'm barely even tired. Ever since turning off facebook a week ago I've had all this extra energy and motivation (probably because i have nothing to distract me). I've been up all night working on my new business venture, and I'm really excited about it actually. I had to force myself to give it a rest so I can sleep before my psych in the morning and then work after that. Too many ideas running around in my head.

And what happens once i switch it all off and close my eyes.....  My brother comes into my head instead. Memories of his voice, of arguments, of his general hostility. Visions of him floating behind my eyelids, so real i feel like I'm back in Perth and its February again, and I'm sitting with him in the lounge room. I feel as if i could just reach out and touch him.... like he would actually be there. But of course he isn't there and he never will be again. Normally i would just cry then tire myself out but i don't even feel tired, or sad. Just this incessant dread. It's been lying under my skin all week. Lurking there in the back of my mind. Not that there's anything dreadful on the horizon. It's all because of the facebook, because i've deliberately cut myself off from my safety blanket where i know there will always be someone there to distract me. I don't want to be dependent on something like that anymore. I think when it;s time to turn facebook back on, I'll feel a different kind of dread. The dread that it'll be straight back to how it was, to needing someone to talk to all the time, to not being able to be alone with my feelings.

So anyway, now I can't just lie here thinking about him.... but i can't stay awake all night. It's starting to make me feel scared this whole no sleeping.... I always sleep. I went to bed at 4am last night, 2am the two nights before that. I think all this alone time before bed is getting to me. I wish someone was here i could just cuddle next to and soothe myself. At least something to distract me and help me sleep. I'm thinking maybe its back onto the business venture until i just pass out from tiredness.... and ALOT of coffee tomorrow...which means an anxiety attack or two though. I just can't win.

God, at least now i have something to talk to my therapist about in the morning.