I guess its a good idea to describe myself, my basic life, to get a good idea of who I am and why I'm writing this.
Im 25 years old. I'm a manager at the retail outlet where i work. I make good money. I'm attractive. I'm smart. I'm loving. I love animals. I donate to charity. I work out and love to be healthy and fit. I live in a nice house, with great housemates. I have some very close friends, who I love more than anything.
I have no family in the town where I live and feel lost when i am alone, like just being with me isn't a good enough option. I have a mother who is (lately) always there for me but who i can barely speak to without a rush of anger. A sister who I sometimes feel is so close to the edge of god knows what that I just don't know how to be there for her anymore. A father who for some reason I can never find anything to hate him for even though he can be so distant that it really should break my heart. I had a brother who spent 10 years fighting his own issues of anger and pain using an array of drugs which ultimately resulted in his death just 4 months ago at the age of 22. Ive lived in maybe 15 houses since I moved out of home at 17, my current place being the longest I've managed to stay (and its still going well thankgod!).
I've had 1 long term relationship which seems so distant like something i watched on TV now and was full of anger and fighting and hatred, but when i moved out i felt i had nothing. I've been in love once, not with him, but with a man who strung me along and then crushed out all the loving spirit I had left in me for a long long LONG time. I've had countless short relationships, casual relationships and one night stands, almost all resulting in me being rejected and sending me to the depths of despair. Leaving me feeling hollow, used, unlovable. I've dated great, good looking, sensitive guys who really do like me, and that i have no doubt that they will not reject me, and instead I get anxiety about being trapped with them. Worried I'm missing out on something better. Feeling like I'm suffocating. I rarely believe someone who I want to be with will actually want to be with me, and the anxiety can get so bad sometimes i don't eat for days at a time.
I am constantly worried people will decide they just simply don't like me anymore, don't want me in their life anymore, can't deal with me anymore. And it HAS happened, on more than one occasion. I always feel like people are looking at me, judging me. I am obsessed with perfection, with appearance, with doing things right. I get nervous about calling people about the smallest things in case I sound stupid or dull on the phone. Sometimes I feel so much anxiety mixed with pain in my chest that I feel like I might start screaming at any second, like all I want to do is run away from it, from myself, but I can't. I am instantly defensive when someone disagrees with me, straight away believing they think my opinions mean nothing, that I am stupid. I cry all the time, over nothing. If I haven't cried in a week, then wow it's a good week
God there's so much more, but I'm feeling quite exhausted after writing all that down, so I'll just leave it at that for now.
One more thing, oddly enough, no matter how bad things get, how useless I feel, I almost always want to try harder, be loved more. The worse I get rejected the more I want to be loved. But I've never EVER had thoughts of committing suicide. To me that's the worse kind of alone you can be. So i suppose, for that, I can be thankful.
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