An even better question would be where did it begin, why did it begin, why can't i stop it? That pain inside, that comes and goes disrupting my life as it wishes. Springing up out of nowhere on a seemingly bright and sunny day. The flashes of anger and defensiveness at nothing in particular spurting forth like lava before i can stop them, destroying anything in their wake. The loneliness, the emptiness, the feeling of not being good enough, the feeling of being just not enough full stop. Incessantly scared of rejection, of abandonment. The constant need to be loved, wanted, appreciated. The impulsive money spending, the obsession with appearance, the casual sex which, instead of leaving me satisfied like i always believe it will, instead leaves me feeling emptier than ever.
Of course, i know why its here, the hurt, forever rearing its ugly head. Developing slowly from hundreds of small incidents, and several large ones, each like a tetris block building slowly up and up and up. Does the game ever end? Do i ever win? Do i get a high score? A prize? A happily ever after????
Last week I would have doubted that, but now, funnily enough, I sort of think i will. This blog will be my release. A mixture of past and present, of how i got here, of how it effects me now. A journal of my day if i feel like it, a reflection of thoughts and dreams and wishes. Something to finally get it all out. A release when I feel like I can't deal. A memoir of memories and events I want to dissect, to tear apart, some of which i wish i would never have to glue back together.
Yes, maybe theres hope.... Sounds good doesn't it. Hope. I guess we will just have to wait and see.
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